Moments of Sweet Bliss

Tonight, as I rocked our son to sleep in his bedroom--darkness cocooning us in like a blanket, lime green shapes of stars lighting the walls and ceiling (from his nightlight), puffs of warm air hitting my neck every time Josiah exhaled--a feeling of cozy, peaceful gratitude rose within my chest. I cherish these moments...as I'm sure most momma's do. The simple moments of sweet bliss...they are intoxicating. 

The last 9 months have flown by so fast, and as Josiah was cozy in my arms, my thoughts traveled back to those first weeks and months of his life.  I spent many moments in tears and mourning the fact that I was unable to breastfeed my own son.  As I have mentioned in the "About Us" tab at the top of this blog, I have P.C.O.S. (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and unbeknownst to me, a possible side effect is the inability to produce milk after childbirth.  I wish I would have known that sooner, as finding it out the first week after giving birth, was extremely difficult. With all of the pressure of society to breastfeed, it was crippling that I was unable to. I found myself dealing with feelings of inadequacy, frustration, depression and anger. Why wouldn't my body do what it was created to do? Why couldn't I give my son what he needed? Was I a failure?  Would he be ok...healthy if I couldn't breastfeed?These are just a few of the questions that my mind wrestled with. 

We are so thankful though! Our son is healthy and has been extremely healthy, and the Lord is so much bigger than any issue with him receiving sustenance from his Momma. He has done great with formula and is continuing to grow and is such a happy little guy.  And, I am blessed that I have such an amazing, thoughtful and caring husband that encouraged me throughout this journey. 

The reason I am writing this post, is for any Momma who is or has gone through something similar. I am here to let ya know that the sting of not being able to breastfeed, does decrease with time. I'm also writing this for anyone who hasn't gone through this, my word of advice is to be sensitive and try not to judge if you come across a Momma who isn't breastfeeding her child.  Odds are, you don't know her entire story and the choice may have not been hers.

Finally, although it took me a good 6 months to work through some of the emotional ripple effects of not being able to breastfeed, I have begun to find peace.  The Lord has again and again placed His peace and comfort over my aching heart, like a calming and healing balm. Tonight was just one more of those balm covering moments.  Sitting there, cuddled up with my beautiful son, him breathing steadily on my neck, caused me to take a moments pause, inhale and embrace the sweetness of it all.